Phew - I made it through the afternoon without caving in to that little devil. Monday is the highest risk day of the week for me - particularly if I've gone all weekend without drinking anything. Then what follows is another 3-4 days of drinking before I try and give up all over again on Friday. Very predictable.
I reminded myself of how crap I felt all day Friday due to the fact that I drank way way too much on Thursday with the sole intention of it being The Last Time. Remember? I wanted to go out on a bang - get drunk, feel yuk, have a horrible hangover etc. I've gotten rid of all the empties and this is it. I am not going to drink again, ever.
I'm so sick of trying to give up - I've tried and tried countless things over the years and I have to do this - I promised to have achieved this before I turned 40 (which failed, I've been 40 for over 2 months now). I'll need to just stack days up one at a time until I get a large enough momentum going to carry me forward without so much effort.
Today's Benefit of Becoming Sober - I can kiss my hubby and boys without worrying about stinking of vodka or wine. My husband hates it (so sadly I avoid kissing him if I've been drinking) and although my boys have never said anything I'm sure they notice the difference - alcohol is not a smell I want them to associate to their mum's goodnight kiss.
Sunday 17 August 2014
Day 3 - Successful Weekend
Although to be honest the weekends are a little easier than weekdays anyway. I used to drink every single day - without a single day off even if sick. This stopped in January when my husband caught me with my hidden stash of wine in the office cupboard (I'd have 1-2 glasses openly but then go and top up at least another glass and/or a couple of RTDs) - since then I have completely stopped drinking wine apart from a few occasions since. So the remaining problem is the RTDs - my hubby still thinks I only have 1-2 but it is more like 4-6. But I usually only drink them during the week - I have them throughout the afternoon so that I am not tipsy or don't smell of alcohol too strongly (so can get away with the 1-2 drinks story).
Today - Monday - is where things usually become harder as I always drink Monday to "reward" myself for being good all weekend. I'm about to head off to work so will spend the time in traffic devising other ways to reward myself for the first Monday of my new sober life.
Being Monday it is recycling day - I have a pile of RTD bottles stashed out in the garden so will go and put them in the bin that is already at the top of the drive and that will be that - no more empties to have to get rid of ever again! Ugh the lengths I have to go to with all this dishonest drinking - usually with bottles I wrap them in a towel, smash into pieces with a hammer, put into plastic bags and hide bit by bit in the big rubbish bin amongst other rubbish. What a ridiculous way to live.
Today's Benefit of Becomg Sober - no more lying and sneaking around behind my husband's back. He deserves to have a fully honest wife, not one that lies to his face and spends a huge amount of time ensuring she is not caught (again). And he worst thing - the worry of being caught was more about no longer being able to get away with the drinking more than the awfulness of him knowing he couldn't trust me. Alcohol has made me into a person I do not like or want to be.
Today - Monday - is where things usually become harder as I always drink Monday to "reward" myself for being good all weekend. I'm about to head off to work so will spend the time in traffic devising other ways to reward myself for the first Monday of my new sober life.
Being Monday it is recycling day - I have a pile of RTD bottles stashed out in the garden so will go and put them in the bin that is already at the top of the drive and that will be that - no more empties to have to get rid of ever again! Ugh the lengths I have to go to with all this dishonest drinking - usually with bottles I wrap them in a towel, smash into pieces with a hammer, put into plastic bags and hide bit by bit in the big rubbish bin amongst other rubbish. What a ridiculous way to live.
Today's Benefit of Becomg Sober - no more lying and sneaking around behind my husband's back. He deserves to have a fully honest wife, not one that lies to his face and spends a huge amount of time ensuring she is not caught (again). And he worst thing - the worry of being caught was more about no longer being able to get away with the drinking more than the awfulness of him knowing he couldn't trust me. Alcohol has made me into a person I do not like or want to be.
Saturday 16 August 2014
Day 2 - On My Way
Yay, Day 2 almost complete - feeling much better than yesterday after a good night's sleep.
Tonight I've dropped my son and a friend down at the mall to go to the movies and I'll pick them up at 8.30pm. It feels so good to know I am 100% sober and not having to plan around wanting to drink.
Back in June my other son turned 13 and I dropped him and 4 friends down to the movies. I came home and had two RTDs knowing that would keep me under the limit but as soon as I'd picked them up I drank a bottle of wine (my hubby had gone to stay the night at his parents). I was about halfway through it when one of the dads came to pick up his daughter (I had known he was coming - the rest are boys and were sleeping over) - I cringe now when I think about whether I was swaying, slurring or stunk of wine. He probably wondered if I had driven the kids home in that state (I hadn't).
Later this week I am going on a work trip for the day/night - we are taking a group of customers away as a thank you and the alcohol will be flowing. I absolutely will not be tricked into drinking this time - each night just before I fall asleep I'm going to spend some time visualizing myself being the only sober one and having a great time.
Today's Benefit of Becoming Sober - I can drive my kids around in the afternoon and evening without any worries - NZ's drink/drive limit reduces from 0.08% to 0.05% on 1 December which will not affect me at all!
Tonight I've dropped my son and a friend down at the mall to go to the movies and I'll pick them up at 8.30pm. It feels so good to know I am 100% sober and not having to plan around wanting to drink.
Back in June my other son turned 13 and I dropped him and 4 friends down to the movies. I came home and had two RTDs knowing that would keep me under the limit but as soon as I'd picked them up I drank a bottle of wine (my hubby had gone to stay the night at his parents). I was about halfway through it when one of the dads came to pick up his daughter (I had known he was coming - the rest are boys and were sleeping over) - I cringe now when I think about whether I was swaying, slurring or stunk of wine. He probably wondered if I had driven the kids home in that state (I hadn't).
Later this week I am going on a work trip for the day/night - we are taking a group of customers away as a thank you and the alcohol will be flowing. I absolutely will not be tricked into drinking this time - each night just before I fall asleep I'm going to spend some time visualizing myself being the only sober one and having a great time.
Today's Benefit of Becoming Sober - I can drive my kids around in the afternoon and evening without any worries - NZ's drink/drive limit reduces from 0.08% to 0.05% on 1 December which will not affect me at all!
Thursday 14 August 2014
Day 1 - Last Time Ever, Promise!
Well of course the RTD count didn't stop at 3 yesterday - when at the library picking up my books I nipped into a different store and bought another 2. Then, while cooking dinner I was feeling all miserable about how stressed I am with work and had a brilliant idea!
Why don't I drink the wine out of that bottle that my parents-in-law left here when they came for the night last week? That way not only will I stop feeling stressed, I can wake up today feeling like crap and easily get Day 1 underway. No one needed to know - I'd already confessed to hubby that I'd had "a couple" of RTDs so he wouldn't suspect.
So while he was in the office on his computer and my son was over in the study nook working on an assignment I was in the kitchen "cleaning" and sneaking large gulps of wine. It felt better at the time, I started to feel more cheerful but by the time I got halfway through I realised I was going to get very drunk and caught. So I quickly tipped the rest of the bottle down the sink before I could change my mind.
Thank god I did that - because of course within half an hour the wine caught up to me and I was feeling quite drunk - I woke up a number of times in the night feeling like utter rubbish and had to start the day with a couple of panadol.
But the good news is that I don't have to debate with myself as to whether I should have a few RTDs today and argue as to why I deserve/need them.
Things feel different this time - I am determined, I will somehow get through these early difficult days and I'll have a plan for every situation so that I do not give in ever again.
Today's Benefit of Becoming Sober - I'll save an average of about $55 per week (almost $3000 per year! In 10 years I'll save $30k - that is enough for me to live on for 1 year so I can have a year off work as a 10 year reward!)
Why don't I drink the wine out of that bottle that my parents-in-law left here when they came for the night last week? That way not only will I stop feeling stressed, I can wake up today feeling like crap and easily get Day 1 underway. No one needed to know - I'd already confessed to hubby that I'd had "a couple" of RTDs so he wouldn't suspect.
So while he was in the office on his computer and my son was over in the study nook working on an assignment I was in the kitchen "cleaning" and sneaking large gulps of wine. It felt better at the time, I started to feel more cheerful but by the time I got halfway through I realised I was going to get very drunk and caught. So I quickly tipped the rest of the bottle down the sink before I could change my mind.
Thank god I did that - because of course within half an hour the wine caught up to me and I was feeling quite drunk - I woke up a number of times in the night feeling like utter rubbish and had to start the day with a couple of panadol.
But the good news is that I don't have to debate with myself as to whether I should have a few RTDs today and argue as to why I deserve/need them.
Things feel different this time - I am determined, I will somehow get through these early difficult days and I'll have a plan for every situation so that I do not give in ever again.
Today's Benefit of Becoming Sober - I'll save an average of about $55 per week (almost $3000 per year! In 10 years I'll save $30k - that is enough for me to live on for 1 year so I can have a year off work as a 10 year reward!)
Wednesday 13 August 2014
Day 0 - Ugh
Well as predicted, the Day 6 momentum that I had built was lost.
I managed Friday and Saturday without drinking anything and then for some reason snuck off on Sunday and bought 2 RTDs. Monday it was x4. Tuesday it was x7. Wednesday x5 and then today (Thursday) x3.
None of these days am I getting drunk or even "tiddly" because those days when I drink a larger amount I'm spreading them out over the day ie. yesterday I had 1 at 10am (leftover from day before), two at about 3pm and then the other two at 7pm-ish.
So my reasons for giving up aren't for avoiding problems caused by being drunk (because I rarely am drunk these days - that stopped back in January). There is still a huge list of reasons though.
I liked how I felt last week when I wasn't drinking - I was feeling more positive, happier, less anxious/depressed etc.
It is the same cycle over and over, it is just so god damned tedious.
There are three alcohol books waiting at the library for me to collect. I will pick these up tomorrow hopefully and start Day 1 again for the last time.
I managed Friday and Saturday without drinking anything and then for some reason snuck off on Sunday and bought 2 RTDs. Monday it was x4. Tuesday it was x7. Wednesday x5 and then today (Thursday) x3.
None of these days am I getting drunk or even "tiddly" because those days when I drink a larger amount I'm spreading them out over the day ie. yesterday I had 1 at 10am (leftover from day before), two at about 3pm and then the other two at 7pm-ish.
So my reasons for giving up aren't for avoiding problems caused by being drunk (because I rarely am drunk these days - that stopped back in January). There is still a huge list of reasons though.
I liked how I felt last week when I wasn't drinking - I was feeling more positive, happier, less anxious/depressed etc.
It is the same cycle over and over, it is just so god damned tedious.
There are three alcohol books waiting at the library for me to collect. I will pick these up tomorrow hopefully and start Day 1 again for the last time.
Thursday 7 August 2014
Day 6 - Fuck it!! Back to Day 1
I'm so so so upset . Had this damn work thing at one of NZ's most beautiful wineries. First up - lunch is served - wine/beer for EVERYONE else and I happily had a ginger beer. Then go into 4 hours of business planning - water/coffee for everyone. And then. Wine tastings. we are all standing around in a half circle and it would look very obvious if I didn't join in with these fairly senior managers. I skipped one but 3 tastings later you know what comes next. Yes a wine with dinner that is topped up and now I'm sitting in my car having just had 2 x RTDs.
So people - one wine "tasting" equals probably 7 units of alcohol. Yes it was yum but now I feel drowsy and upset at myself. Plus I have to go home and explain to my hubby. His parents are staying tonight which is a great distraction but it is his birthday tomorrow - happy birthday poor hubby.
I'm so scared that now I've lost the 6 days of momentum I won't be able to do this again for a few months. I need to somehow pull out the strength to start afresh tomorrow.
God this sucks I know I can't blame anyone but me but damn what a horrible torture for someone in their first week of sobriety to be at a wine tasting where they are expected to join in!!!!!!
So people - one wine "tasting" equals probably 7 units of alcohol. Yes it was yum but now I feel drowsy and upset at myself. Plus I have to go home and explain to my hubby. His parents are staying tonight which is a great distraction but it is his birthday tomorrow - happy birthday poor hubby.
I'm so scared that now I've lost the 6 days of momentum I won't be able to do this again for a few months. I need to somehow pull out the strength to start afresh tomorrow.
God this sucks I know I can't blame anyone but me but damn what a horrible torture for someone in their first week of sobriety to be at a wine tasting where they are expected to join in!!!!!!
Wednesday 6 August 2014
Day 6 - Building momentum
Yesterday went quite well - again, my routine was changed so my normal afternoon drinking pattern would have been interrupted anyway (not that this would have fully stopped me normally). I think changing the routine/keeping really busy is absolutely key for the first week or two of quitting the drink - it is definitely helping me.
The work event that I was at finished at 5.45pm and we then had to network with pizza and beer/wine for 30mins. I was a little bit disappointed I had to stand there with wine but not too much - I often wouldn't drink at these things anyway. I then went and picked up my kids and stopped to get them pizzas for dinner and while I was waiting decided to treat myself to an orange Mountain Dew as a Day 5 reward.
The evening was lovely - my 13 year old was way happier than the evening before and hubby told me he was really proud. He is a little annoying when he kisses me hello as I can tell he is trying to smell alcohol on me but I guess I have to just accept that I deserve that for now.
Today I am going with some work people to Waiheke Island for the day to a beautiful vineyard. A fairly unfair way for someone on Day 6 to spend the day but it isn't something I can get out of! It is all managers/senior managers (and a couple of us that are not managers) so wouldn't have been an event I was comfortable drinking at anyway. So I'll just enjoy the day and be glad that yet again my routine of sitting at home drinking RTDs is foiled as I won't be home until 8.30pm.
I'm probably a little strange as I'm generally happy to not drink in social or work situations - it is at home by myself that I like to drink.
So off I go into the Day 6 world - I am feeling good that a little bit of moment um is building. I know I can not "treat" myself with "just one day" of drinking as that will then turn into 3-4 months more of solid drinking before I can get this far again.
Today's Benefit of Becomg Sober - I no longer have to furtively look around me as I go into a local liquor store hoping I don't see someone I know (as Monday lunchtime is not a normal time for a mother to be going into a liquor store)
The work event that I was at finished at 5.45pm and we then had to network with pizza and beer/wine for 30mins. I was a little bit disappointed I had to stand there with wine but not too much - I often wouldn't drink at these things anyway. I then went and picked up my kids and stopped to get them pizzas for dinner and while I was waiting decided to treat myself to an orange Mountain Dew as a Day 5 reward.
The evening was lovely - my 13 year old was way happier than the evening before and hubby told me he was really proud. He is a little annoying when he kisses me hello as I can tell he is trying to smell alcohol on me but I guess I have to just accept that I deserve that for now.
Today I am going with some work people to Waiheke Island for the day to a beautiful vineyard. A fairly unfair way for someone on Day 6 to spend the day but it isn't something I can get out of! It is all managers/senior managers (and a couple of us that are not managers) so wouldn't have been an event I was comfortable drinking at anyway. So I'll just enjoy the day and be glad that yet again my routine of sitting at home drinking RTDs is foiled as I won't be home until 8.30pm.
I'm probably a little strange as I'm generally happy to not drink in social or work situations - it is at home by myself that I like to drink.
So off I go into the Day 6 world - I am feeling good that a little bit of moment um is building. I know I can not "treat" myself with "just one day" of drinking as that will then turn into 3-4 months more of solid drinking before I can get this far again.
Today's Benefit of Becomg Sober - I no longer have to furtively look around me as I go into a local liquor store hoping I don't see someone I know (as Monday lunchtime is not a normal time for a mother to be going into a liquor store)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)